TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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