i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
