Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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