does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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