I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
