Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
