No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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