I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
