I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
These tits shall not be calmed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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