I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
