i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize