I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
