we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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