just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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