Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
