my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
