she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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