Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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