you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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