and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
