I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
