Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
