does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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