Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
