If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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