pop tarts are not kleenex
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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