i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
