You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can I color on your dick again?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
