Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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