I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
