Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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