don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
