This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
