btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
