so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
