You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
