he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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