I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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