She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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