singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
