Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
