i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
