I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
