God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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