If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
