How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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