If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
