last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
