Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
