i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
