Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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