Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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