Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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