so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
