I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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