Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
