Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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